Scott's Year in Shirts #90 - "The Perfect Norwegian"

Today's shirt was worn a whole bunch of times before it found its way to me, so whoever owned it previously must've REALLY thought it was funny. I can't figure out if it's pro-Norwegian or making of fun of Norwegians. Either way, I am not perfect or Norwegian. I'm flawed and Danish. Why the hell couldn't I find that shirt instead?

Scott's Year in Shirts #89 - "Family"

When I think of family, I think of two things: A large group of animals who are seemingly unrelated to each other (a la this shirt), and a television theme song. "Show me that smile again (show me that smile). Don't waste another minute on your crying. We know we're near the end (we know we're near) the best is ready to begin!" Help me out people!

Scott's Year in Shirts #88 - "Escalator Temporarily Stairs"

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."" R.I.P Mitch. It's hard to believe it's been five years now.

Scott's Year in Shirts #87- "Colorado, High Country"

So I rolled and a-rambled like a leaf in the wind / Well, I found my fast ladies and some hard livin' men / Well I sometimes went hungry with my pockets all bare / Lord, I sometimes had good luck with money to spare / I made me some friends, Lord, that I won't soon forget /  Some are down under and some are rambling yet / But as for me, I'm headed home / Back to high Colorado never more for to roam.

Scott's Year in Shirts #86 - "Comic Relief III"

I got this Comic Relief III t-shirt without having to give any money to Ethiopia. Does that make me a bad person?  This shirt is from 1989, back when Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Crystal were still funny. Which makes me wonder, why didn't they ever make a City Slickers 3? Jack Palance lived another 12 years after City Slickers 2 and no one capitalized on it!

Scott's Year in Shirts #85 - "Still Perfect Over 60"

Man, getting old sort of sucks. Back in my early 20's I used to say I didn't think I would make it to 30. Well here I am, 31 now, and I honestly can't imagine turning 60.  I really don't want to be one of those short old men with giant noses and huge ears who can't drive or speak clearly, can't control their bladders and put their car keys in the refrigerator. I already have most of those problems already.

Scott's Year in Shirts #84 - "Ride The Shuttle"

"Ride The Shuttle" - there's a slogan for you. Out here in L.A., it's "Ride The Metro", or as I like to say "Come witness a stabbing." There's nothing wrong with public transportation. It's good for the environment. It's convenient. It's reliable. But there's something unsettling about sitting next to a guy on the subway who smells like paint thinner, is wearing a fur-lined parka in June and is singing a song about tater tots. You ride the shuttle, I'm taking my car.

Scott's Year in Shirts #83 - "Major Payne"

Fifteen years ago today, a film was released that literally changed the way people watch movies. A movie so funny that every comedy since is compared to it. This movie featured an all-star cast that included Damon Wayans, Michael Ironside and WWF wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow. This movie won the Best Oscar in every category at the 1996 Academy Awards and everyone watching openly wept as director Nick Castle thanked his agent. This movie made a small number of promo shirts. This is one of them.

Scott's Year in Shirts #82 - "1989 Chevy S-10"

Who wants to go down to the county line with me to get more beer? Come on, Rusty. You know you want to. No, I'm not drunk. I only had eight Keystone Lights! Come on, let's get in my new '89 Chevy S-10 and load up. Huh? It's only 11:15. We'll be back in plenty of time for Headbanger's Ball. I ain't leavin' ya'll here with my sister again! Well, can I borrow $10 then?

Scott's Year in Shirts #81 - "Laziest in Los Angeles County"

This is the second "Big Lebowski" shirt in my year in shirts project, and there's no promise that it will be the last. This shirt tells the world that no matter where you live, you are indeed the laziest in Los Angeles County, which puts you in the running for laziest worldwide. Of course, it wears much better if you actually are in Los Angeles County, which I am. Say what you will about the tenets of national socialism, dude, but at least it's an ethos.

Scott's Year in Shirts #80 - "Wyoming, who cares?"

Let's be honest, nothing very cool ever came out of Wyoming. It's a quadrangle-shaped state filled with mostly square people. It's the state that gave us nut-job Dick Cheney, after all. And you know, there's something just a little bit unsettling about a place that's 96% white people. If I'm missing something that's cool about Wyoming, please, let me know.

Scott's Year in Shirts #79 - "the definition of doctor"

The 80's gave us a lot of bad shirts with definitions on them. Some of them were sort of funny, most were annoying, and some probably shouldn't exist. This one goes under the last category. I don't really know who the market for this shirt was supposed to be back in 1986 --- doctors who have been sued for malpractice? It's hit or miss in the t-shirt world, and this one's a big miss.

Scott's Year in Shirts #78 - "Texas"

This shirt's got a detailed map of Texas on it, highways included. So, if you're in Palestine and you want to know how to get to Mexia and your iPhone runs out of battery power (like mine does every day), just look down at your shirt. Ah, there it is. U.S. 84 West. But this raises another question entirely. Why would you want to go to Mexia?

Scott's Year in Shirts #77 - "Artfest '83"

This shirt's been in my weekly rotation for something like 6 years now. It's a 50/50 poly/cotton blend, which means nothing to you but everything to me. I don't know where I was when Artfest '83 was going on (I was only 4), but had I been there, I would've brought my own art to display. Finger paintings, baby.

Scott's Year in Shirts #76 - "St. Patrick's Day - Palace Station"

I don't really give a crap about green beer or the Irish, but what other day was I supposed to wear this shirt on? Apparently the Palace Station in Las Vegas is known for something else entirely, because when I walked in to El Pollo Loco earlier today, some guy eating a taquito said to his friend "Yo, that dude got a shirt with that place where O.J. jacked those dudes!" So, happy St. Patrick's Day from me and from the place where O.J. jacked those dudes.

Scott's Year in Shirts #75 - "You Have Died of Dysentery"

I first remember playing "Oregon Trail" in 7th grade when I was in Catholic School. Those were the days. We'd all run down to the computer lab early to get the best Apple II, boot up a floppy, then settle in for an afternoon of side-scrolling adventure. I must've learned something, because even today, when I've got a proverbial river to cross, I ask myself, should I ford the river, caulk the wagon or hire an Indian guide?

Scott's Year in Shirts #74 - "More Cowbell"

You know a catchphrase is past its prime when it either shows up on a t-shirt at Goodwill or when the girl ringing you up at Staples thinks it's still funny. The need for more cowbell... so 2005. Other 2005 phenomenons include...  that terrible movie "Crash", voting for Pedro, the annoying music of Franz Ferdinand and everyone's favorite Mexican president, Vicente Fox (no relation to Megan Fox).

Scott's Year in Shirts #73 - "In Tennessee, Everybody Fiddles Around"

Never been to Tennessee, but according to Alabama, if you're gonna play in Texas, you gotta have a fiddle in the band. This old 80's shirt is really thin and comfortable, perfect for lounging around on the beach a stone's throw from the Mexican border. Do they play fiddles in Tijuana?

Scott's Year in Shirts #72 - "Country Clubs - Not For Everyone"

Greetings from Sunny San Diego! The wife and I have hit the road for a little weekend vay-cay, but the blogging must continue. By the end of the day this shirt will probably have at least three or four "Two buck chuck" stains on it, but that's just the price you pay for partying cheap and hardy. Until tomorrow...

Scott's Year in Shirts #71 - "Cobra Kai"

When it comes to 1984 films set in Reseda with a martial arts theme, it doesn't get any better than "The Karate Kid." Every time I paint a fence or wash a deck or beat up a clan of thugs in skeleton costumes, I'm always reminded of Daniel Larusso. Interesting side note... Back in my lamp selling days I used to always drive by the apartment complex where they filmed the movie. It still looks exactly the same, and it's actually in Reseda near the corner of Saticoy and Tampa. How's that for authenticity?

Scott's Year in Shirts #70 - "Stacie & Mary 2006"

So here's how it probably happened. Stacie and Mary met. Fell in love. Got hitched. T-shirts were made to proclaim their love to all. Then SOMETHING WENT WRONG. Stacie caught Mary in bed with Stephanie, or Jill, or David *gasp*. All hell broke loose. The relationship ended. Keeping the t-shirt was out of the question. So off to Goodwill it went, where idiots like me could find it. Sorry ladies, couldn't pass this one up.

Scott's Year in Shirts #69 - "Me So Honea"

It seems appropriate that I should celebrate the 69th edition of "Scott's Year in Shirts" by wearing my Glendale softball jersey, which happens to be #69. I have to give a shout out to my former co-worker Rashard B. for coming up with the moniker. Let's go Spoilers! All the way to the playoffs, or at least to the bar!

Scott's Year in Shirts #68 - "Orienteering... Give me a map and I'm magic!"

"Orienteering" – noun - a competitive sport, originating in Sweden, that tests the skills of map reading and cross-country running, in which competitors race through an unknown area to find various checkpoints by using only a compass and topographical map, the winner being the finisher with the lowest elapsed time.  Also known as a complete waste of time.

Scott's Year in Shirts #67 - "I May Not Always Be Wrong..."

This old 70's relic is the kind of iron-on emblazoned sleep shirt you might find hanging off trashy housewives in Wal-Mart automotive departments, worn by concession stand workers at drag races, or on the backs of pantless overweight children at garage sales.  It makes a statement, and that statement is "I require government assistance." Sort of a Loggins and Messina-era version of "I'm With Stupid ----->", if you will.

Scott's Year in Shirts #66 - "Townes Van Zandt"

Legs to walk and thoughts to fly
eyes to laugh and lips to cry
a restless tongue to classify
all born to grow and grown to die

Happy birthday, Townes.

Scott's Year in Shirts #65 - "Easy Money at The Sands"

The Sands, how we miss you. You birthed The Rat Pack, gave us The Copa Room, inspired "Oceans Eleven" (the original), and you even made a brief appearance in "Con Air." You were the cool place to hang in Vegas before hanging in Vegas was cool. But now you're gone, and the gaudy Venetian sits in your place. For the record, indoor gondola rides suck.

Scott's Year in Shirts #64 - "I Survived Hana Hiway"

While I've never driven the Hana Highway (Hiway?) before, I can't imagine rewarding myself with a t-shirt after doing something as simple as successfully navigating a road. But I guess that's where we're at now as a society - so lost in the minutiae of our stupid lives that the tiniest little victories seem to take on some grand meaning. Maybe I should make my own t-shirt that says "I put on deodorant today, give me a cookie."

Scott's Year in Shirts #63 - "The Alcoholic Camel"

There are two things that I love about this shirt: A. It features an alcoholic camel and B. The grammar's all jacked up. Is one to assume that "Camel" is the name of the camel in question, and if so, who the hell names a camel "Camel?" Clearly this shirt was not conceived by one of the greatest scholars of our time. A quick check of the tag confirms this, as the word T-shirt is spelled "Te shert". It just gets better and better.

Scott's Year in Shirts #62 - "Biking at Berenato's"

I've been biking at Berenato's in Ocean City, New Jersey! Actually, no I haven't. I've been sitting on a couch in North Hollywood eating Rice Krispie treats all day. Not sure why I've had this obsession with fake exercise lately. Maybe I should buy a real bike. Eh... I dunno. Then I'd have to put on shoes, and go outside, and see sunlight. Who has time for all that?

Scott's Year in Shirts #61 - "Paul Blart, Mall Cop"

Hello, I'm Paul Blart, Mall Cop. I've come to take your $11, insult your intelligence, pull at your heartstrings and pummel you with PG-rated comedy. I will accomplish this by being fat, falling down, making other people fall down and by driving a Segway (while being fat). I will also manage to save the day (despite being fat). Are you laughing yet?

Scott's Year in Shirts #60 - "Kenny Rogers"

The old Gambler and I have a lot in common. We're both constantly re-inventing ourselves. Acid rock or country? Beard or no beard? Face lift or no face lift? And 1982 was a big year for both of us. For Kenny, it was time for a Greatest Hits album and tour. For me, I turned 3 and watched E.T. for the first time. You gotta know when to hold 'em!