Scott's Year in Shirts #271 - "I Can Has a Litel Dreidel?"

I was going to wear this shirt on a Jewish holiday, but since I no longer live in Valley Village, don't have a job and don't spend much time looking at calendars, I have no idea when they are. Maybe I got lucky and did wear it on one.

Scott's Year in Shirts #269-270 - "Harvard/Holy Schnikes"

Sometimes when I wear this shirt people will ask me if I went to Harvard. I usually reply "no, I just bought the shirt" or "yes, I took the tour, got the shirt and then left." Not once have I pretended that I'm an actual Harvard alum. Maybe I should. It worked that one time I lied and said I went to U.T.

Holy Shnikes, what a night I've had. What started as a low key chicken fried steak dinner followed by the Bears/Packers game turned into an impromptu trip to the emergency room and six stitches administered by a "physician's assistant" named Stoner. You can't make this stuff up, folks. Everyone's OK, by the way.

Scott's Year in Shirts #267-268 - "Cash/Cows"

I meant to wear this Johnny Cash t-shirt on the 7th anniversary of his death on Sept. 12, but like a large number of my t-shirts, it temporarily got misplaced in the cross country move. But it's been found, and it's time to remember the "man in black" by singing "Ring of Fire," doing a little cocaine and destroying some dressing room sinks.

"Cows may come and cows may go, but the bull around here goes on forever." It's quite a statement, but not very moo-ving. In some ways, it's utter-ly ridiculous. How dairy someone put that on a shirt? I think I'm going to milk this one for all it's worth.

Scott's Year in Shirts #266 - "TI-83"

I don't know much about the TI-83, but back when I was in high school they were passing around TI-82's like they were going out of style. It was the calculator to have. I remember sitting in the back of my Algebra class typing Metallica lyrics into my calculator instead of equations. So angsty. So rebellious. So lame.

Scott's Year in Shirts #265 - "Philippe's"

It's been almost a month since I left Los Angeles for Texas, and the thing I miss the most (besides the people) is the food. You just can't get a french dip in Texas like you can at Philippe's. I miss the lines, the sawdust on the floor, and the 1/4 mile walk from Union Station. I have a feeling I'll be back to see you sometime soon, Philippe!

Scott's Year in Shirts #264 - "USCG Academy"

There's likely not a less qualified or suited person to actually join the coast guard than me. I never learned how to swim. A hole in my left eardrum keeps me from getting water in that ear. I'm not patriotic. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let that keep me from owning a t-shirt with clip art as cheesy as this one.

Scott's Year in Shirts #263 - "I Love Jesus, Jesus Loves You"

There's a religious billboard on Interstate 45 that depicts a man slumped down with his head and his hands, obviously hitting rock bottom. Above the man is the sentence "Nothing's too hard for God." Every time I pass by it, I giggle, because I can't stop my inner monologue from saying "Oh yeah? I've got something that's too hard for God."

Scott's Year in Shirts #262 - "Texas Independents Minimax"

min·i·max [min-uh-maks]
–noun... a strategy of game theory employed to minimize a player's maximum possible loss.
Uh.... OK. If you say so, dictionary.com.

Scott's Year in Shirts #261 - "Winged Skull"

This is actually yesterday's shirt, which I didn't get to post because I got lazy and fell asleep. This little truck stop ditty would've been more appropriate to wear today considering I hit a few gas stations on the way to Houston and back. Guess I missed my chance to fit in with the crowd. Oh well. Maybe next time.

Scott's Year in Shirts #260 - "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"

Sometimes you find yourself in a cramped bathroom in a Mexican restaurant in Crosby, TX wishing you hadn't ordered what you ordered. Sometimes this happens to you while wearing a retro vintage Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt.

Scott's Year in Shirts #259 - "Smitten For My Mittens"

A summer day calls for a winter shirt, or a combination of both. It's been a weird day for me. Went out to buy my mom a new dish strainer and ended up buying a new computer. Received a package I had been anticipating for over a week. Later on I watched myself spit up pina colada mixed with gasoline, but not in the way you'd think. It's actually kind of hard to explain.

Scott's Year in Shirts #257-258 - "The Boxmasters / Beverly Hills"

Remember when Billy Bob Thornton used to just be an awesome director and actor? For that one film? What the hell happened? No one wants to see your crappy band perform, Billy Bob. Put down the guitar, get away from Hollywood and go make Sling Blade 2.

On a different note, I was in Beverly Hills today --- Beverly Hills, TX. Smack dab in the middle of dumpy Waco is this unfortunately named community of hicks and homeless people. I hit up the Goodwill. My dad bought a pistol. It was an interesting day.

Scott's Year in Shirts #256 - "O-tay!"

I can't decide if this shirt is racist, cute, insensitive, funny or a combination of all of these. Is this one of the Little Rascals? If so, then I think it's just lame.

Scott's Year in Shirts #255 - "Superbowl"

It's a long road to the Superbowl, and you don't get there by losing games on holding penalty calls. You're gonna have to do better than that, Cowboys.

Scott's Year in Shirts #254 - "New York"

New York. Twin Towers. 9/11. You know the drill.

Scott's Year in Shirts #253 - "Rod Stewart '91 Tour"

I can't tell you how many strangers stopped me on the street today to tell me that they wanted my body and they thought I was sexy in this t-shirt. Actually, yes I can. No one.

Scott's Year in Shirts #252 - "Bahama Papa"

This is one of those shirts that are so thin it's hard to differentiate from a sleepshirt, and naturally, wearing it in public can make you and the people around you feel a little bit uncomfortable. I'm perfectly fine with this, because I've been known to fall asleep in public from time to time.

Scott's Year in Shirts #251 - "Oops, I crapped my pants!"..

Grandpa, how do you know so much about Oops, I Crapped My Pants?... Because I'm wearing them, and I just did.

Scott's Year in Shirts #250- "Lifeguard Catalina Island"

Did I mention that I never learned how to swim? It's true. Did I also mention that I've never visited Catalina Island despite living within earshot for almost five years? Either of these facts should eliminate me from owning this shirt, and both of them combined should ice the deal. Oh well, you can be anything you want with the right t-shirt.

Scott's Year in Shirts #249- "Southern Belle"

Woops. I was supposed to wear this shirt on Sep. 2. I was supposed to remember this because it is my dad's birthday. These are the types of things that are easy to forget or overlook if you move cross country and are currently living in a sea of boxes. Oh well, better late than never. And by the way, happy 70th anniversary Southern Belle.

Scott's Year in Shirts #247-248- "Labor Day Weekend"

When you're unemployed on Labor Day weekend, it's pretty much like any other weekend. For me, that means lounging around in an old Metallica "And Justice For All" t-shirt and watching back-to-back-to-back episodes of "This Old House." Those guys work pretty hard.

Scott's Year in Shirts #246 - "Buck Fever"

Apparently some kind of season has begun or will begin soon where it is perfectly OK to kill various types of creatures. I was not aware that this shirt promoted that type of activity. I thought this shirt was Pro-deer. They are a majestic and mysterious creature that deserve our admiration and respect. Please stop asking me what type of gun I'm using. I've never fired one.

Scott's Year in Shirts #245 - "Greystone's Odyssey"

Back in Los Angeles I would constantly run across rare, unwanted promotional shirts from long since forgotten about movies and TV shows. This one's a great example. "Greystone's Odyssey" was the working title of the short-lived 1983 Bill Bixby-directed series "Wizards and Warriors." I don't remember it at all, but IMDB tells me it ran for eight episodes and then got canceled. Such is life.

Scott's Year in Shirts #244 - "Australia"

"My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head." - MH

Scott's Year in Shirts #243 - "Amoeba Music"

Now that I'm no longer in L.A I don't feel so ridiculous wearing this shirt. I do however feel sort of ridiculous going back for a third slice of cinammon apple pizza at CiCi's.

Scott's Year in Shirts #238-242 - "The Move"

Sorry for the delay in posting. It's hard to keep a daily t-shirt blog going when you're moving cross country! We're not quite settled in yet, but I've found the time to post the last five days worth of shirts. Here we have Mayor McCheese in honor of all the terrible fast food I've eaten in the past 72 hours, the Cayman Islands, where I wish I was instead, an armadillo reading a book in honor of all the road kill I've seen, A Little Creativity, which is required to stay sane during a 24-hour drive, and a shirt dedicated to ketchup in honor of my first Whataburger in over a year!

Scott's Year in Shirts #238 - "John McCain For President"

If I spent as much money as John McCain did to win that primary, I would've won that primary. So here's a shirt to remind you of your previous failure, Senator McCain. You're old and out of touch. Please stop taking up space in my brain. I want to think about more important things, like Sour Patch Kids.

Scott's Year in Shirts #237 - "Retired"

While I would love to have the house in L.A., the ranch in Texas and the condo on Martha's Vineyard, my eventual retirement will probably be something like this t-shirt. This is what can happen if you choose a creative path in life. No regrets, baby. No regrets.  

Scott's Year in Shirts #236 - "38 Special"

I just love how everyone on this shirt seems so happy to be in a terrible southern rock band. This shirt is from their heyday, but Wikipedia tells me these old geezers are still trucking around the country playing state fairs and shit. With album titles like "Special Delivery," "Bone Against Steel" and "Drivetrain," you'd think you were listening to a porno soundtrack. I would actually prefer that.

Scott's Year in Shirts #235 - "Mrazmataz"

Hey look, it's a homemade Jason Mraz t-shirt. Can I take it off now? Please? Whew. OK. Now I need to take a shower and listen to some actual music.

Scott's Year in Shirts #233/234 - California/Texas

Since I missed yesterday's posting (darn you alcohol), today is a two-for-one deal. And since the reason I missed yesterday's post was because I was busy at my going away party, I thought the two shirts should represent where I am and where I'm going. And while I'm not exactly moving to San Antonio, it was the best I could do on such short notice.

Scott's Year in Shirts #232 - "I Work Out"

It's true. I work out... math problems, that is. "07734." That's a little calculator humor for some of you nerd types out there. I'll pretty much buy any t-shirt that takes an inanimate object and somehow humanizes it. Oh, what am I saying, I'll pretty much buy any t-shirt period.

Scott's Year in Shirts #231- "Prime"

Wow. Someone loved Transformers so much that they had their very own Optimus Prime airbrushed t-shirt made, only to later give it away to Goodwill. They must've seen Transformers 2. I'm thinking of getting a similar shirt made in honor of singer John Prine. It will simply say "Prine," and the drawing will be a robotic version of the man himself.

Scott's Year in Shirts #230 - "The Jesus"

Eight-year-olds, Dude.

Scott's Year in Shirts #229 - "Deep Throat"

Here's one from back in the day. Remember when adult movies actually had plots? Nah, I don't really either. Not to borrow a screenwriting term, but "Deep Throat" was the first, if not only, high concept porno ever produced. I won't give away any spoilers here, but rumor has it that some of the profits from the film went on to help fund the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."  Thank goodness for high concept porn.

Scott's Year in Shirts #228 - "New Zealand Hip Hop Federation"

According to Wikipedia, New Zealand hip hop consists of four parts: rapping, DJing, graffiti art and breakdancing. I consider myself adept at none of these things. Despite having stumbled my way through many a drunken karaoke version of Snoop Dogg's "Gin & Juice" over the years, I simply don't have what it takes to make it as a professional New Zealand hip hop artist. It takes talent, pedigree, and an extensive knowledge of "Lord of the Rings."

Scott's Year in Shirts #227 - "Uzi does it"

Given that this is post #227, it would be pretty damn sweet if I had a shirt with Jackee Harry on it. Well, I don't, because if one existed, I probably would've found it by now. So in its place is a shirt with both a gun and a pun, and you really can't ask for more than that in this economy.

Scott's Year in Shirts #226 - "Friday the 13th"

I guess it's about an hour and a half late, but it was Friday the 13th yesterday, so it seemed like the appropriate shirt to wear. Here's to you, Jason Voorhees.

Scott's Year in Shirts #225 - "Timerider"

Lyle, a motorcycle champion, is traveling the Mexican desert when he find himself in the action radius of a time machine. He soon finds himself one century back in the past between rapists, thiefs and murderers. A young Fred Ward shines in this action-packed thrill ride from 1982. I likely may own the only remaining promotional item from this stinker.

Scott's Year in Shirts #223 - "The Billy Bush Show"

The fact that this shirt even exists depresses me more than the fact that I actually own it, and I hope that my disdain for all things Billy Bush-related comes through in the expression on my face. There really is no excuse for his career. The thing about "entertainment news" is that it's not news and it sure as shit ain't entertainment. But for some reason, people want to know what color tampon Jennifer Aniston is using this month. I didn't even know they came in colors.

Scott's Year in Shirts #222 - "UTLA"

This is a shirt for someone much more educated than myself, and when I say that, I mean someone with a basic bachelors degree who has passed some type of certification that makes it legal for them to receive pay for teaching others. I once had the notion of teaching high school journalism, but only for the chicks. I eventually decided this wasn't a very good idea at all, so I grew this beard instead.